Whew! Has 2009 been THE season for Toronto Roller Derby or what?!?

The league moved up here to The Hangar at Downsview Park, and it’s been mayhem all summer. (Rest assured, there will be derby through the winter, too!) The action has been fierce, and every single bout has been down to the last few jams. I’ve been telling you all season that a bout can change hands in no time; after the Death Track Dolls came from a 30-point deficit in the second half of ToRD’s last bout and skated within a hair – one point! – of snatching victory from the Chicks Ahoy!, maybe there are some more believers among you now.

Skaters held court before thousands at the downtown Yonge-Dundas Square for the Toronto International Film Festival premiere of “Whip It”, and the crowds have gone through the roof. You’ve probably already noticed that it’s a lot more packed in here than it was back in July.

And now we have this, the crowning glory: the 2009 Toronto Roller Derby League Championship between the Gore-Gore Rollergirls and the Smoke City Betties.

First, the Gories. Without question, they have been the squad to beat through three seasons of ToRD action. They skated away with The Boot, the cherished league trophy, in the first final in 2007, and they were runners-up to the Chicks last year. And they’ve done it through focus, determination and, even in the face of injuries and a changing lineup, consistency.

Hard to believe, but at the beginning of the season the Gories were a bit of an unknown quantity. A few prized veterans – namely, Foxy Sinatra, Kandy Barr and Desmond Deck-Her – were out, and that required the Gories to fill some very big Riedells. Enter Monie Darko, Trashzilla, Jill ’Em All, Lady Scorcher, Private Parts, Motley Cru-ela, D-Rail, Molly Boom, Bella Clava: Many had seen action prior to this season, but none had been called upon to do so much at any point in their ToRD careers. And, in whatever track configuration, they brought it – not just once, but every time.

Add the veteran skill – Mia Culprit, Junkie Jenny, Dust Bunny, Bambi, Coupe de Kill, Brim Stone, Lunchbox – and somehow, out of the unknown, you’ve got a 2009 Gore-Gore Rollergirls team that tore its way to a 3-0 record in season play. They don’t back down.

But, then, neither do the Smoke City Betties.

True, the Betties’ only loss during the regular season came at the hands of the Gories. Forget about that now. Because if there’s one thing the Betties have shown, it’s that they can adopt, adapt, improve – and any obstacles of the past are not only to be overcome, they are to be eliminated.

Just look, for starters, at the Betties’ peerless crew of rookies: Marvel S. Maven, Lacy Brawler, Janice the Menace. Add that to the veteran talent: Hot Roller, Demolition Dawn, Jewel Kicker, Lady Frost, Memphis Kitty, Pretty Peeved, Slaughter Laughter, Miss Behaviour. Ready in the wings: Poison Thorn, who broke bones in practice just as the season was about to start, and Calgary veteran Crimson Shivers. The Smoke City Betties ain’t no shrinking violets.

You, dear derby fans, have walked into an experience. These are the two teams that are meant to be here. Toronto Roller Derby doesn’t get tougher – or, with managers Reverend Ramirez on the Gories’ bench and Coreylicious keeping it together for the Betties, prettier – than what you’re going to see tonight.

As we all settle in here at The Hangar in anticipation of tonight’s first jam, I have a few requests of you:

Show both these teams, and any skaters you see in the crowd tonight from the Dolls and the Chicks, lots of love. They’ve been working their hearts out for three years, and I love them all.
If you get a chance, spare a kind word for the many volunteers throughout The Hangar. They’ve been putting it out all season because they care about this great sport and this great league.
Don’t forget our 50-50 draw in support of Sistering, ToRD’s chosen charity.
Remember that, if you’re sitting trackside, certain precautions are in order. Keep your body parts, bags, drinks and beeramids behind the green line, so that nobody gets hurt.
Show some respect to the referees. They’re friends of mine, and they’ve been working just as hard as everyone else to keep this game alive.
Have the time of your life.
And, most importantly:
When I put out the call… GET LOUDER!!!
It’s time to jam!

Crankypants
ToRD play-by-play announcer

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Tonight, again, is a shot of something completely different at The Hangar.

Tonight, the numbers of 2009 don’t mean a thing the moment the players in the striped helmets crack the pivot line.

Above all, tonight is not about zeroes.

The two teams you will see on the track – the Death Track Dolls in white; Chicks Ahoy! in green – are not about to let the setbacks of the season get in the way of doing what they have to do to win.

Both are 0-and-2 going into this, the final regular-season bout of Toronto Roller Derby’s 2009 schedule. And while only one of them will skate away with victory, along with third place on the year, both are determined to make the most of their night and leave behind disappointment and misfortune.

The Dolls, as they have in each of their three seasons in ToRD, came out of the spring full of promise. Reconstituted this year after absorbing most of last year’s collapsed D-VAS lineup, they had – still have – the tools. But since the coming of June, they haven’t been able to get it all to click for a full 60 minutes.

Sista Fista and Land Shark have been among the top jammers in the league. Audrey Hellborn, Seka Destroy, Bonky Kong, Betty Bomber and Sue Saint Marie have put up the block. Spee Dee Ramone has gamely played through the pain. But it hasn’t been enough.

Injuries have put a huge load on rookie troops, and they have put the whole team on a steep learning curve. Monichrome went down mid-season, though she didn’t know how seriously broken her leg was at first. Miss Tress Nightmare – a huge heart on the team – was forced to bow out. And the return of Badhuman from a year in California didn’t last long enough, though she’s watching from the sidelines for good reasons: She’s expecting her first child.

The Death Track Dolls you see tonight are built as much from grit as experience. This has been the year of the rookie Doll, forced to learn on the job. And that has, and will again tonight, put the likes of Kung Fu Kitty, Downright Dirty Dawson, Dirty Knickers and Lucky Slamrock right in the heat of it. Schooling has been has fast and tough as Turn 4 on the track.

And while the Dolls badly want this one – especially for Sista, who is winding down two stellar seasons in Toronto before returning to her Western home – they’re up against a squad that got to know adversity a little too well this year.

Last year, Chicks Ahoy! were the champs. That top-rank lineup: Mega Bouche, Mach Wheels, Hoff, G-Force!!!, Candy Crossbones, Blammo!, Dolly Destructo, Nasher the Smasher – why, 12 months ago, they proudly skated a victory lap and hoisted The Boot. With the absorption of such standouts as Rebel Rock-it and Fubar Bundy from the suddenly defunct Bay Street Bruisers, they looked like they would do it again.

But the Chicks got sacked, and sacked hard, by devastating injury. Tara Part spent the summer in a wheelchair. Just a month or so ago, Furious Georgia – late of the Bruisers, and finding her footing as an increasingly strong Chicks jammer – moved over to the crutches department. Old strategies had to be scrapped, and new ones stitched together.

Enter the newcomers: Robber Blind and Hum Dinger learned what heavy duty is in this year’s practice sessions, but it has been Fireweed and especially Kari-Mia Beere who have fought their way to the head of the pack and beyond.

Tonight is renewal night. It’s determination night. And it’s pride night. Despite the season records – or, in some ways, because of them – tonight lines up as one of the toughest track battles of the season.

Before we move on to a November of championship derby, give these women their due. Tonight will show you the all-for-one: They have all fought as hard as anyone on any team in any league. Each jam, when they take to the track, let them know it.

Get LOUDER!!!

And, in doing so, get to know what this great sport and this great league of Toronto Roller Derby are really all about.

I’ll see you in the suicide seats.

Crankypants
ToRD play-by-play announcer

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